Profile of a True Gryffindor
by Eleanor Belle
Summary: The first year at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is hard enough when you are muggle born, but it is even more difficult when life throws a disability your way. There are limits to what magic can fix, but who can she turn to?
1. Prologue Dear Diary

**_September 2, 1973_**

**_Dear Diary,_**

**_The feast and ceremony last night were the coolest things I have ever seen. I was terrified of a bizarre hat that sorted me into Gryffindor. I was worried that I was going to have to do some sort of spell to prove I was a witch or something, but all I had to do was sit there._**

**_The hat said something about that I was bright, wanted to see things to the end, and have the courage not to stop until justice was done. Courage is the trait this house is known for. Right now, I don't feel that brave._**

**_I got to meet some other kids on the train yesterday. I sat next to a nice girl named Abbey who is from an all-magic family. She was a bit of a pain after a little while, because she kept asking so many questions about life at home. I also learned I wasn't all that welcome. When we were getting off the train, an older boy with blonde hair pushed me off onto the platform, and I fell. He just laughed and called me a: 'filthy mudblood'. I found out later this was not a nice thing._**

**_I already miss home, and my parents. Mum said she would write often, but I heard the mail works different here. Everything is sent by owl post. The nice lady from the Ministry explained everything but a letter just isn't the same as having my parents there. I really want to make them proud of me this year by staying out of trouble._**

**_I got called to the matron's office this morning, and I was not too pleased about it. When the lady came from the Ministry to talk to Mum and Dad, she gave them a card with my health information. Unfortunately, Mum put on there the headaches I have been having since that bloody riding accident last year. Madam Pomfrey was very nice, but I don't like talking about what happened. She gave me the third degree until I told her about falling off when that stupid pony refused a fence. So what if I spent several nights in hospital for a concussion. I have to see the school nurse if I get a headache. (That is at least once a week.) I don't want to make a fool of myself over a stupid headache in class and go whining to the school nurse about it. What will the other kids and teachers say?_**

**_My dorm mates are lovely, but I am the only person to have muggle parents. I feel a bit lonely. I have spent part of the day reading my schoolbooks and practicing a few charms with my new wand. I discovered I am not half bad! I managed to levitate my quill several feet in the air! I can't stop thinking about the time I was blamed for setting fire to the front room rug when Auntie was telling me off. I overheard Daddy tell Mum the other night he was happy all weird things that seemed to happen around me were not my fault. It's so neat to be able to make things happen when I want them too._**

**_There are so many surprises when you walk down any hallway. I got lost on the way to breakfast this morning when the staircase moved somewhere else. Another student sprained her ankle on a trick step that older students later told us to skip. I decided to touch one of the moving paintings, and it shouted at me! It told me off!_**

**_We had to sign up for broom flying lessons today. I hope all those years of horseback riding lessons will help. Somehow, I don't like the idea of hovering twenty or so feet in the air. My balance still stinks since last year's accident. When I told another girl I was scared to fly, two boys came over to tease me. A pretty girl named Lily Evans told them off._**

**_I have met some of my teachers today. My head of house, Professor McGonagall, looks like she can be very tough in class. I wouldn't want to cause trouble in her class. She teaches Transfiguration. (Changing one thing into another.)_**

**_The dinner bell is sounding, and I promised my dorm mates, Abbey and Constance, that I would sit with them tonight._**

**_Nell_**

a/n

To those who have been following Eleanor's story, welcome back! To those who are new, I would like to introduce myself. I am a teacher who writes from the heart about her own disability of epilepsy and migraines. I have fought this battle for many years and have nearly given up more times than I can count. Eleanor exists in the tapestry of the books. She does not change the story or impacts any plots. Like the first story, my aim is to show the world through the eyes of someone with a disability. (The good days and the really bad ones) This story will take several very dark turns that will touch on some hard topics. (Childhood depression and Suicide) I loved writing 'Profile of an Incompetent Inquisitor', and I am pleased to be sending this out to you,

Belle


	2. Life's a Pain

**_Profile of a True Gryffindor_**

**_by _**

**_Eleanor Belle_**

**_Chapter One:_**

**_Life's A Pain_**

**_Today's Date: 7 September, 1973_**

**_Name: Nell Howard_**

**_Practical Potions Exam I_**

The fumes in the room still make me want to gag. The dull throb in my head isn't helping anything as I attempt to remember what a bezoar is. I remember something about a goat and an answer fills up the sheet in front of me. This headache has been with me since yesterday's flying lesson.

Another sharp stab of pain hits me in the side of the head. I feel like there is an elephant tap dancing on the side of my face. I have to keep going. If I ignore it, it might go away.

I hate using quills. Re-inking the ruddy things every few seconds is wearing on my nerves. I manage to scratch out a few more answers before I notice that my inkpot is nearly completely empty. I have to remember to check my supplies before the beginning of classes.

When I change the position of my head to re-ink my quill again, the elephant on my head stops tap dancing, and starts playing football with my brain. I try to tune it out as I only have a few more questions to answer.

The bell rings harshly in my ears, and I carefully turn my assignment in to Professor Slughorn.

"Feeling all right, young lady?" the professor inquires from behind his desk. "You look a bit peaky."

"I'm fine," I lie quickly. "I don't want to be late, professor."

I don't look back at him. I'm not trying to be rude, but I may be sick if I say another word. I only have one more class.

It seems as though only one eye is working right now as I enter Transfiguration. We are only taking notes. This is a huge relief. There is no telling what could happen if you asked me to use a wand right now.

I am leaning hard on one hand as I work on the assignment that has been set on the board. Nothing I do gives me any relief. I am not going to ask for any help.

"Nell, you okay?" inquires Abbey. "You haven't looked right since you left our dorm room this morning."

"I'm fine," I whisper dismissively. "Just a stupid headache."

"Miss Howard," Professor McGonagall calls from the front of the classroom. "Please come see me."

I drop my quill and look up at my teacher in fear that I have done something horribly wrong. My head feels like it weighs a ton as I leave my seat.

When I reach the teacher's desk, instead of an angry look on her face, she has an expression of utmost concern. "Eleanor, I told you at the beginning of the term that if you have a headache, you were to see the school nurse right away. Professor Slughorn sent word you seemed ill last period. I am going to ask you to tell me the truth. Do you have a headache?" Her eyes bore straight into my soul, and I know there is no way to lie to her.

"It's been hurting all day, but …" I stumble over the last few words. I can't figure out all the fuss.

" _I don't want to sound like a baby who needs Mummy to kiss and make it better."_

My exasperated professor hands me a note and sends me off to the school nurse under pain of detention or worse. I make my way back to my desk and gather my things carefully so I don't make my head pound any harder.

"Nell, where are you going?" Abbey inquires in a whisper, handing me my quill on the desk. "Want me to go with you?"

Before I can answer, a snigger bubbles up from behind me. It is a Slytherin boy named, Regulus Black. He was in the group who laughed when I was tripped getting off of the train.

"Did they snap your wand already, Mudblood?" Regulus inquires in a whispered jeer.

Before I can reply, Abbey spins around in her seat and barks, "Shut it…"

"Miss Bones and Mr. Black! See me after class. Miss Howard, I believe you were dismissed."

I walk out of the door with eyes following my every move towards the classroom door. I don't think I will ever live this down. What will Abbey think? She ended up with detention by defending me.

It seems to take an eternity before I get to the waiting area near the nurse's desk. The hospital wing seems to be nearly deserted in the late afternoon. The blinding sunshine streams into the ward, causing my eyes to snap shut painfully. I want to run to my own bed so I can be left alone. Give me an aspirin and let me sleep it off.

"Eleanor, is it?" I hear Madam Pomfrey inquire from a distance. "I was wondering when I would see you. Who sent you here?" I hold the piece of parchment blindly out into space and am relieved of it an instant later. "How long have you had a headache?"

"Since this morning," I lie as I find myself guided to a bed. I don't want to let on how much pain I am in; however, I can't function right now. This is not how I wanted to start out the term. "It's not that big of a deal. I usually take something and go back to class." a

Madam Pomfrey reaches into a wardrobe next to the bed to retrieve a pair of striped pajamas. I am totally confused about all of this fuss. Last year, I would go to the school nurse's office take some medication and lie down for a while. My head would still hurt a bit, but I would go back to class.

Once I'm changed I lie on the bed with my eyes shut, wishing I were in class instead of here. Somehow, the droning of Professor Binns doesn't seem so horrible to endure right now.

I open my eyes when I see Madam Pomfrey standing next to the bed with something I didn't expect. Instead of the 'horse-pills' of painkiller Mum normally gives me, I am being handed a goblet with a substance that looks like oatmeal that has been left in a rubbish tip for a week. It smells just as bad. It takes every ounce of self-control not to vomit on the woman.

I look from her to the smoking goblet and back again several times in disbelief. I really don't think I can drink it.

"Well go on," she urges. "I want you to finish that entire goblet."

There is no way around it so I swallow the foul slime in several gulps. The taste horrible! It is a combination of a rotten cabbage and shoe polish.

As I lay back against the starched pillows, I notice the pain is ebbing away quickly. The lights seem less painful, and my thoughts are becoming sluggish. Nothing Mum ever gave me worked this quick.

Madam Pomfrey gives me a satisfied look as I yawn continuously. As she walks away from my curtained off area, I close my eyes for the last time.

My dreams are bizarre to say the least. There are brooms chasing me down the hallways, laughing at me as I attempt to blast them with my wand. In another, I keep replaying the fall I had on that stupid pony.

I awaken to a horrible throb in my head. The pain has returned with a vengeance. Even my hair aches as I turn over with a groan. Madam Pomfrey must have heard me, because she walks out of her office in a dressing gown, carrying another goblet of potion for my headache.

It isn't the same horrible-tasting slime that she fed me before. The liquid is cool and soothing as it hits my stomach. The throbbing stops long enough for me to drift into a dreamless sleep.

When I wake up hours later, it is late morning. The headache is gone, but I now have the sensation of a boulder sitting in my stomach. I don't like attention being called to myself, especially over something as stupid as a headache. Mum turned completely mental after my accident last year, and she wouldn't stop ringing the school wanting to know how I was doing. I'm just happy there are no phones here, but I worry about some poor owl that is running back and forth between Mum and the school. Is there a Wizarding world version of the RSPCA?

A noise pulls my thoughts to the present as I see Madam Pomfrey with my breakfast. I have absolutely no appetite right now. I am sure she is going to make me every bite on that tray.

The school matron sets down the tray on the bedside table, takes my pulse, and notes it on a chart at the end of the bed.

"You seem to be feeling much better this morning, Eleanor," she says, moving the tray to my lap. "Once you finish your breakfast, you may go back to your common room and rest. I do mean rest until Monday."

"I have some homework from my classes that I need to finish for Monday. I doubt I will be doing too much," I tell her, looking down at my eggs so I cannot let her see how embarrassed I am right now.

"If you start to feel ill again, I want you to come back. You were in a great deal of pain, and it could have been prevented." She pulls my chin up so I can look at her. "Is that a promise, Eleanor?"

"Could you please call me Nell?" I ask. "Hardly anyone calls me Eleanor."

The only times I am called by my given name are when I am in big trouble with Mum, or Auntie refuses to respect the idea I would rather be called Nell.

"That's fine if that makes you feel better." She walks over to a chair next to my bed, and I see my favorite jeans and a jumper folded on the seat. "Your friend, Abbey, came by to bring you some fresh clothing this morning. She said she would meet you after detention this afternoon."

Guilt bubbles up like a volcano from my gut. I remember how Abbey received detention for sticking up for me.

I realize that Madam Pomfrey is staring at me. I know there isn't a chance she will let me out of her sight without me finishing my breakfast. The normally mouth-watering toast is now like chewing jam-covered carpet.

After another half hour of poking and prodding, I am finally sprung from the hospital wing. Although I don't know short cuts, I do have a decent sense of direction. Luckily, I pick a corridor that seems to be deserted, or so I thought.

"Miss Howard." It's Professor McGonagall. I want to turn and run. "I see that you are feeling better."

Although I've had classes with her for a week, I'm still not sure what her agenda is. She has such a stern look on her face, but she took the time to notice I was in pain. I don't quite know what to think.

"Much better, Professor." I answer nervously. "I have been told to stay in my dorm and rest until Monday. I promise I will have my assignments turned in on time." My cheeks are burning with embarrassment.

"I don't want you to end up suffering that much again. Next time, tell me or another teacher you are feeling ill," she orders gently. "Now, run along to your dormitory. Your friend Abbey should be back by lunch from serving detention."

I open up my mouth to protest that Abbey received detention for defending my honor, but she is already walking away from me.

The portrait of the Fat Lady is a welcome sight as I give the password. I want to make it to my own bed so I can get my head together. In the common room, I find Abbey walking down the stairs.

"Nell, I was just coming to see you." Abbey looks like she has been outside for most of the morning. Her cheeks look a bit wind-burnt. "I would have come sooner, but I had detention this morning."

"I'm sorry about you getting detention because of me," I blurt out quickly. I hope she won't hate me. "It's all my fault. I shouldn't have let…"

"Sorry about what?" she inquires loudly. "Regulus Black is a rotten little toe-rag. It is time someone put him in his place. You're getting jinxes the quickest, why don't you come up with something." She starts to smile. "Are you feeling better now? My auntie used to get horrible headaches too. Did it really hurt that much? You looked dreadful."

This is just what I need: more questions. I don't like talking about this, and I wish there were a better topic of discussion.

"I'm fine now. By the way, where is everyone?" I inquire. I look around and notice there are only a few others in the common room.

"Everyone's watching Quidditch tryouts. You know Quidditch, I told you about it that night on the train. If we go out now, we can get a look at the new team this year. My brother was on the Ravenclaw team while at school. Maybe I will play Chaser like him," she says, pretending to throw a Quaffle into the room. "Let's go."

"Sorry, I have to stay here. I'm supposed to rest," I tell her dejectedly. I feel like my bloody headaches have cheated me out of something again. "You go on. I'll stay here."

Although she seems a bit crestfallen, Abbey motions to the stairs and says, "Well, I guess we can take this time to come up with a couple of good jinxes to use on Regulus and his mates."

Abbey and I spend most of the afternoon with a book her brother has given her with some simple jinxes that will be very handy: One is a spell that trips you, a second makes you laugh uncontrollably, and another makes you seize up like a block of stone. It is wonderful to be with your friends.

Monday rolls in with absolutely foul weather as rain lashes at the windows of the castle. Classes outside in the greenhouses are cancelled, and we are all sent to study in the library about the various uses of mandrake root. Abbey and I attempt to finish our assignment, but we cannot seem to focus. Abbey could not stop talking about who might be picked for the Quidditch team. I think she should have gone down to tryouts instead of staying in with me.

Abbey's discussion rolls on until we enter Transfiguration, and she only shuts it when I remind her of the detention she just served. As class settles in, I notice today's topic is changing beetles into buttons. This could be a little bit difficult for me. I hate bugs. I don't like anything with too many legs.

I take a deep breath as a beetle dances on the desk before me. I remind myself to picture what I want the bloody creature to turn into, make the correct wand movements, and direct my magic towards it. To my shock, I actually get it right the first time.

I hear a movement over my shoulder and see that Professor McGonagall is inspecting my work. She seems rather pleased with it. I hope this erases the headache fiasco of Friday afternoon.

It takes Abbey and Constance a few more tries to get the beetle to turn into a form resembling a button. Abbey's button still has six legs, but at least it isn't moving around the desk anymore.

I decide to take one of the last beetles so I can see if I can transfigure another into a button. I manage to do it on the first try for a second time with squeals of delight from my friends. My happiness is short-lived.

"Just wait until you have to do some real magic, Howard." It's Regulus. He is standing at his desk with several beetles crawling up his jacket.

"You haven't even been able to do a simple spell, so I have nothing to worry about," I jeer, holding up my newly transfigured button.

Before I can say anything else, we have to clean up our desks and turn in our buttons to be graded. I know that I definitely passed this one. Regulus can just stuff it. He can't handle me one-upping him.

As we leave the classroom, he gives me a nasty stare. I hear him say something, point at me, and have a good laugh with his friends. I am not sure if I should be worried or not. I will just remember to watch my back from now on.

A/N: I hope all of you are enjoying my new story. I know this chapter is shorter than I normally write, but the next chapter has many twists and turns. I have decided to send this out to you now, because I have recieved emails wanting to read the new material. I am working hard to get new material to you soon! Belle


	3. The Elephant in the Room

**_Profile of a True Gryffindor_**

**_by_**

**_Eleanor Belle_**

**_Hello All!_**

**_I must say so sorry about the tardiness of this chapter. I had shoulder surgery,_**

**_and typing has been out of the question. I have done my best to get this to you before my_**

**_new term begins. I appreciate those of you who emailed me with possitive feedback. This gave_**

**_me the incentive to keep going. Have a happy holiday and excellent new year!_**

16 October, 1973

_Dear Diary,_

_I can't believe it's midterms already! Abbey, Constance, and I have been staying up late to study. I have found that Potions is my weakest subject. I don't know what my problem is. I thought it would be like following some sort of recipe, but it's a little bit fussier than that. Sometimes you have to stir this way_ _and then another few times in another. I'm hopeless. Professor Slughorn seems to favor the Pureblood and Half-Blood students. Every time I ask for help, he seems to look through me._

_Mum has gone completely spare over my headaches lately. Since midterms have started, I have a headache pop up at least three or four times a week. I need to see Madam Pomfrey every day now for a check up. How embarrassing! Regulus and his cronies found out about this somehow. They have been tormenting me with tripping jinxes all week. Abbey and I have been trying to catch him alone, because we plan to use a hex and lock him in a broom cupboard for a few hours._

_Several of the older students in our house have warned the other Muggleborns to not be out on their own. There is safety in numbers. Emily Waters was found trying to swim across the lake to reach the other side. She was in forty feet of water when someone jumped in to stop her. They say she had a blank stare in her eyes as if she didn't see who her rescuer was. When she came to an hour later, she had no memory of what happened. The rumor is that she was cursed. Sometimes the darker side of magic scares me. There are moments I want to snap my wand in half and pretend I never came here. _

_Mum has been writing me once a week, and her last letter did not make me too happy about the holidays. Apparently, she wants to fly to Canada to visit Auntie. I hate going there. This is the same woman who told my mother that I needed to be seen by a priest after all the light bulbs in the house blew out when I had a tantrum when I was five. I like going to see the sights, but I wish we would stay in a hotel instead of Auntie's house._

_I have to report to tutoring for my Potions exam next week._

_Nell_

The cauldron bubbles in front of me, and it is doing a great imitation of my gut at the moment. I did not do as well as I wanted on my Potions exams, and I am trying to focus more in class. For whatever reason, my stupid crickets are choosing not to dissolve in my potion. I have raised my hand over and over, but our Potions Master seems to be ignoring me. I look like a complete idiot as my attempts grow more and more desperate. I have to bring my grades up.

The bell rings, and finally Professor Slughorn makes his way over to my desk.

"What was your question Miss Howard?" he inquires, looking into my ruined potion. "That doesn't look quite right, does it?"

"I tried to get your attention, but I guess you didn't see me." I want to cry. "I am having problems with some of the practical parts of the course. I am trying hard."

"Yes, your midterm grade was a bit disappointing, but that is to be expected for someone coming from you background." He smiles benignly at me.

"I'm sorry, I don't understand?" I ask, knowing he just called me an idiot.

"Well, Muggleborns aren't exposed the magical world like the other children," he says, attempting to placate me.

I decide it is a good time for me to leave before I really burst out into tears. Did he just tell me that I couldn't get a potion right because I am Muggleborn? Is he ignoring me in class because I don't have a magical ancestry?

As I bolt out the door in tears, I realize several of my classmates have watched this whole exchange take place. I can't look them in the eye.

I am so happy Potions is the last class of the day, because this means I can go to my dorm, shut the curtains on the bed, and have a good cry in private. I can expect some teasing from the likes of Regulus, but Professor Slughorn seeing me in the same light is taking it too far.

All I want to do is be good at something for once. I was out of place at home. Auntie saw me as a freak who needed to be taken care of, I was a pest at my primary school, and my headaches cause too much attention. Can't I be normal?

Although I missed dinner by staying in my dorm, I don't regret it. I don't need anyone to see me blubbering like a baby. I decide I need to do the mountain of homework for my classes. I can't fail.

I hear the bell announcing to first years it is time to remain in their dorms for the night. Moments later, I hear voices coming up the stairs. It's my friends returning from dinner and looking rather concerned.

Abbey attempts to begin a conversation, but I don't want to talk about what they saw in the Potions classroom.

"Nell, don't be a prat, Professor Slughorn is an idiot." She sits down on the mattress to pull me into a hug. "He doesn't know what he's saying. Some of the top kids here are Muggleborn." She passes me a Chocolate Frog from her pocket to cheer me up.

I do my best to act like I feel better. I really don't, because every word is burned into my brain. I'll show Professor Slughorn and everyone else that I am definitely not subnormal.

It's around midnight when Abbey dampens her lamp for the night, and I am still working on my Potions homework. It's a simple assignment on the side effects of mandrake root, but I need it to be perfect. The harder I work on my essay, the angrier I am getting, and I start crying again. I don't want to wake my classmates, so I close the hangings on the bed and finish by wand light.

I finally have my homework done at two in the morning, and I drift off into an uneasy sleep. All too soon, morning has come with a vengeance. I wake up with a nasty throb in my head as I blindly get ready for morning classes. Abbey and Constance are walking on eggshells around me. Twice they have asked me if I felt well enough to walk up to the hospital wing for my check up.

As I reluctantly shuffle into the hospital wing on my own a few minutes later, I notice that it is relatively empty except for one bed. I recognize the kid: it's Remus Lupin, also from Gryffindor. Madam Pomfrey is changing a bandage on his forehead when she notices that I have come through the door.

For once, I let her know that I have a headache, but I don't tell her how bad it really is. I want to stay in class today. I refuse to be beaten down. I am relieved when she gives me a couple of spoonsful of potion. I bolt towards Charms class as quickly as possible.

My head is hurting worse as the day wears on, but I want to face my Potions class head on. Abbey attempts to catch my eye as we work on our potions, but I keep concentrating the best I can. It's frustrating, because my Strengthening Solution is turning the wrong color. I can't fix it before Professor Slughorn comes to examine it.

"Humm… Bit off color, isn't it? You need to work a little harder." He saunters away without telling me where I went wrong; however, he is stopping to smile at Abbey's cauldron. I don't know why he's smiling; the potion has already eaten through the spoon she is using to stir it with.

My head is fit to burst, and I know I am supposed to get something for it, but I am too angry to move. I have an urge to yell at Abbey for some reason. Finally, Slughorn makes another lap past my cauldron a few minutes later. I have managed to fix the color of my potion, but my hopes of getting some praise are dashed.

"Do you have a headache, Miss Howard? You look a bit peaky. I think your headaches are causing the issues with your Potions studies."

My cheeks burn red-hot, a wave of anger washes over me, and something in me snaps. "Professor, just because my head hurts, doesn't turn me into a complete idiot. You've been ignoring my questions the entire period. That's the problem!"

The room becomes still as the benign smile melts from his face. "Ten points from Gryffindor, Miss Howard. See me after class."

I hear sniggering going on behind me. I see that it is Regulus having a great laugh at my expense. Of course, Professor Slughorn is totally ignoring the whispered catcalls sent my way.

The bell rings and I bottle up my potion to be graded. As I walk towards the front desk to turn in my assignment, I turn to find Regulus has not left with his mates. I don't know what his purpose is, but I want nothing more than to curse him into oblivion. He would provide a good outlet to vent my spleen right now.

Once everyone else has left the classroom, Professor Slughorn sends Regulus on his way, and shuts the door. When I was in primary school, they would ring Mum and Dad for a meeting and deal with it that way. My stomach churns with terror as the realization hits that I am now on my own.

"Now, Miss Howard, I believe we need to discuss what happened in class today," he says, motioning for me to sit in the front row as he goes behind his desk. "I did not expect this type of behavior out of you."

My head is really pounding right now, and I unconsciously reach up to rub my temples with my fingers. "I'm sorry, sir." I can do nothing but hang my head down. This is not the first time my temper has gotten me in trouble at school in the past year. "A headache doesn't make me stupid. It embarrasses me when people talk about them."

"Oh, ho. I see. I didn't realize this bothered you. I just wanted to make sure that you weren't in any pain." He looks genuinely concerned. "You have been struggling so much lately in class and spending a few more days than usual in the hospital wing."

The tears fall down my cheeks unchecked. "My problem is that I can't get my head around the potion-making process. I asked you for help, but you ignore me." I start crying in earnest as he conjures a handkerchief. "You told me that because I was Muggleborn, I could never handle this subject. That's not fair."

"You must have misunderstood. It's just you… er… Muggleborn students are not exposed to spells and the traditions that go along with the subject. It puts many of you at a disadvantage when doing your studies here at Hogwarts," he says awkwardly, fidgeting with a quill on the desk.

"Potions is the only class that I have been having problems with this term. I have trouble with the fussy bits. You know: Ten clockwise stirs then one anticlockwise or bring to a simmer for so long. That is where I run into problems. I'm not thick. If I am going to do something, I at least want to do it right."

"Oh, I see," he says with a smile of relief that all I need is a little tutoring. "There is a remedial group on Thursday evenings that you may join. I wasn't aware that you are willing to put forth so much effort into the course. I must say I admire your determination," he says, pulling out a piece of parchment. "I will not give you detention this time for your cheek; however, don't let it happen again."

"Thank you, sir," I reply with a sniff. My head is going to explode at any moment, and I want to get out of here. "It won't happen again."

I hope Professor Slughorn and I have cleared the air, but somehow, I don't think he gets it yet.

Dinner in the Great Hall is a tense affair as a whispered warning goes down the tables to all the Muggleborn students that more attacks are about to occur. No one knows when it might happen, who the target will be, or what they will do, but something horrible is about to go down. The prefects have told us to stay in groups when moving from place to place.

My head hurts so bad at the end of dinner, I can't take it any longer, so I swallow my pride and head off to see Madam Pomfrey. Unfortunately, I have to go alone. Abbey has detention with Professor Flitwick, and Constance has remedial studies with Professor Sprout. There are plenty of people coming and going from the hospital wing for daily medication, so I should be fine.

The hospital wing is not as busy as I thought it would be. The only student that is in there is Remus Lupin. I just hope Regulus didn't see me come up here. Madam Pomfrey gives me a dose of headache remedy along with something to stop the pain from coming back in the morning. I feel a sense of relief when she allows me to return to my dorm tonight.

The corridor seems deserted as I make my way back to the common room. The whispered warning at dinner starts to creep back into my mind as footfalls come quickly behind me. I turn around and see no one there, so I keep walking, but the footsteps start again.

Something grabs me around my legs and the ground comes up to meet my face. I roll over to find Regulus and several other Slytherin boys standing next to him laughing while blood pours out of my nose. I quickly pull my wand out of my sleeve.

"What happened, Mudblood?" Regulus inquires. "Have a little problem walking?"

I scramble to my feet, shouting: "Shut it, Regulus!" I attempt to push past him, but his cronies are blocking my way. "Get out of my way."

"Oh, look, it speaks." Regulus is really showing his arse for his friends. "Why don't you go home, you piece of filth?"

"Bugger off, git. I got a letter just like you did." I stare him down coldly. "Just because you couldn't charm your way out of a wet paper bag in a thunderstorm, doesn't mean you can push Muggleborns around."

"Those pathetic blood traitor friends of yours have put some stupid ideas in your head. My family has been here for centuries. You heard Slughorn yesterday. Mudbloods don't have the right to be here."

"That is not what he said," I tell him angrily. He has hit a nerve. I am about to break down into tears. I want this to stop.

"Come on, Regulus. Are we going to sit here and have a chat, or are we going to do something about it?" a blonde Slytherin boy says from behind Regulus.

I find myself being pushed backwards towards a window by the crowd of boys. I can't think of a spell to use. I'm falling into a panic.

"Leave me alone!" I shout. I know this is useless, but it might attract some attention.

I hear the echo of running footsteps. "Oi, what's going on over there!"

Regulus and his friends scatter as an older boy runs over to where I am standing. Even in the low light, I realize it is Remus Lupin. Madam Pomfrey must have just released him from the hospital wing.

"Are you okay?" he inquires. "Let's get you back to the common room."

"I'm fine," I tell him through gritted teeth. My face really smarts, but I am not going to cry in front of a stranger. "Stupid git," I mumble under my breath. "Thanks for the help. I'm Nell Howard by the way," I say with a suppressed sniff as my nose continues to drip blood.

"Remus Lupin," he says with a shy grin. "It's all over the school Muggleborns shouldn't be out alone. What were you playing at?" he asks. "Gryffindor courage is one thing, but right now, it's just stupid to be wandering around alone." His grin has faded to deep a frown.

I stop in the hallway to collect my thoughts. "Who thought of these crazy rules?" I ask him. "I am top in my class in Transfiguration and fifth in Charms. Obviously I do belong here, don't I? Did I walk into the school with 'Muggleborn' tattooed across my forehead so people can plan to pick on me?"

"As my Mum would say, 'It's the elephant sitting in the room.' Most of the Pureblood families are closely related, and your birth would be known among them. I'm a Half- Blood, and things can get a little tense where my family is concerned." He starts to walk towards the common room again at a brisk pace. "I would suggest you go to the library and check out _Hogwarts, A History._ It might explain why blood status is important to some families who go here."

We walk in silence until we get to the portrait of the Fat Lady. Before he gives the password he asks, "You will promise me that you will not go out on your own again, right?"

"All right." I don't like being told what to do by some strange kid I just met in a hallway, but he has just saved me from being the 'Mudblood Victim of the Day.' "I promise."

The pair of us enter the common room to only go our separate ways; however, I will never forget what Remus Lupin did for me tonight.


	4. Recipe for Disaster

_**Profile of a True Gryffindor**_

**_Chapter Four:_**

**_Recipe for Disaster_**

25 December, 1973

Dear Diary,

_You would think that Christmas would make people be nicer to each other, but things are getting worse around here for Muggle-borns. It's an Olympic sport to pick on us right now. Regulus seems to have me dead in his sights, and he has help. Yesterday, his cousin, Bellatrix, cornered me in the girls' toilet to warn me not to tell Professor McGonagall about how he hexed me in the hallway earlier in the day. _

_Bellatrix has a nasty reputation for cursing Muggle-borns for fun. I heard that she had something to do with Emily's accident in the lake. What made her go into the water when she's so scared of it? I'm afraid that I will be next, so I am going to avoid going to the loo on my own, no matter what._

_Professor Slughorn let the class know how we stood yesterday. For the first time, he said how proud he was that I had improved so much over the term. I am now fourth in my class, and Regulus is running a distant ninth. He looked very angry that I was beating him in class. When we left class he called me a 'Jumped-up Mudblood'. I ignored him. _

_I need to go. There is so much studying to do for my exam in Potions._

* * *

**Fundamentals of Potions Exam**

**Objective: Brew a correct Remedy for Boils Potion. **

The letters spread out like tendrils across the blackboard as we enter our classroom to take our exams. I cannot help but to smile, because Professor Slughorn set the same assignment during the last Remedial Potions tutorial a week ago.

We are given only forty-five minutes to complete our task which means there is little time for error. Luckily, Professor Slughorn has already set out which supplies we will need. There is an air of desperation and determination among the first year students in our room to succeed.

There are only five minutes left, and I bottle up a nearly perfect creation to be graded. I place my potion carefully in a flask, and kill the flame under my cauldron. In the review session last week, we learned that this potion explodes quite easily when over-heated.

There is a queue forming behind me as I drop off my assignment and return to my seat. Regulus is the last student still brewing. He should have been finished by now. When I pass by him, he has an odd expression on his face. There is a snigger that erupts from one of his cronies as I walk to my desk so I can clean up my cauldron.

Before I even reach my desk, I smell something burning and there are sparks erupting from my cauldron. I don't even have a chance to shout for help as the room explodes in a cloud of boiling potion and splinters. Everything goes black when something hits me in the back of the head.

* * *

My head weighs a ton as I peel it off of the sticky floor. I look around the room to sight of a viscous, black liquid dripping down the walls, students in various states of injury, and furniture scattered everywhere.

A student in Hufflepuff robes is sitting on a bench next to me with burns on her hands, looking thunder-struck.

"Oh, God, my head," I choke out, attempting to stand up. I only make it to my knees before a wave of dizziness forces me to the floor again.

"Nell." A familiar voice calls my name. I look up to see Abbey staring down at me. She looks terrified; I don't know why, I'm the one who is rubbish in Potions.

"I've got a headache," I mumble weakly. "You don't take Remedial Potions, Abbey. Shouldn't you be studying for our Charms exam in the morning?" I feel so fuzzy and confused. Remedial Potions is on Thursday nights.

"Nell, Charms was today." Abbey's voice sounds odd, and it is making me agitated. I don't like being teased. "We just took our Potions exam, remember?"

"Abbey, don't play jokes…" My head hurts, and something warm is dripping down the side of my face. I reach up to find blood on my hand. "What's going on?" I ask as my heart races out of control. "Did Regulus hit me with a hex, again?" I ask, waiting for her to plot some revenge. "I feel sick." The room is swimming, and I hear her shout to someone. The pain in my head hits a violent crescendo as a river of scarlet runs down my sleeve.

Some man is speaking to me, but I don't care to answer him. Someone touches the back of my head, and I smack the offending hand away. I can feel tears forming in my eyes. It takes a lot to make me cry, and now, I am in so much pain that I cannot think.

The world grows dark and distant for a few moments, to my relief, but snaps back into focus as I hear Professor McGonagall's voice in front of me. I didn't realize I have been rocking back and forth until a hand steadies me.

"Miss Howard, are you all right?" she inquires gently, carefully touching my head. "That's a nasty bump on your head."

"The only reason why she would be here is if I were in really big trouble. How am I going to explain myself to her?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to forget about my exams…" I trail off as a huge throb of pain cuts across my forehead. The urge to vomit is almost overwhelming. "When I get rid of my headache, can I make them up?"

"Nell still thinks it's yesterday. She's been talking nonsense about being in Remedial Potions." Abbey can no longer contain herself and sobs openly.

"No, you're not in any trouble. You can take care of it when you are feeling better," Professor McGonagall says with a strained smile.

"Did I make this mess? I always do what Professor Slughorn says to do, you know," I rattle on. "Never mix ingredients too quickly, or don't overheat the bottom of the cauldron; you know what I'm talking about, Abbey," I say, grabbing at her arm to get her agree with me.

I feel sleepy as Professor McGonagall tries to catch my attention by calling my name. "I'm sorry, Professor. Please, don't dock any points. My head really hurts, and I just can't pay attention. Can I go to the hospital wing for a headache potion?"

I hear my name called again, but I can't answer. I surrender to the oblivion that swallows me whole.

My body feels like it is filled with concrete as I make an attempt to open my eyes to check the time. I must have overslept. Why hasn't someone woken me? What about exams?

When I finally pry open my eyes with a suppressed groan, I see Mum dozing in a chair next to my bed. What is even more shocking is that I am in neither the hospital wing nor my own dorm room. This new place reminds me of the pediatric ward I stayed in last year. The only difference is there are little floating globes of light illuminating the space.

The fuzzy comfort of sleep has completely worn off as the pain in my head reappears with a vengeance. I don't know where I am, how I got here, or what day it is. All I know is that I don't like it.

The image of a ruined Potions room briefly flashes into my mind like a ghost of a long lost relative, but it leaves just as quickly. I try as hard as I can, but only a few more fleeting pictures come to mind. A loud bang, Professor McGonagall talking to me, and the memory of a bad headache are all that come back to the surface. Did I get in trouble, then expelled?

As I start to sob, I feel the warm embrace of my mother enveloping me. "You're fine, darling. Don't cry. Everything is just fine."

"I can't remember anything." I feel panicky. "What's wrong with me?" Tears are welling up in my eyes and terror rips a hole in the back of my throat.

I take a deep breath and relax as I lie in the security of my mother's arms. "Darling, there was an accident at the school. You were injured rather badly, and the school decided that it would be best to bring you to hospital." She pulls out a tissue to dab my eyes and continues with: "You're going to be fine. It is just a bad bump on the head, but the school did not want to take any chances."

I don't feel like asking questions right now, I just want to relax in her arms until the pain goes away. I start to drift to sleep, but I hear the sound of the door open. I look up to see a rather cheerful middle-aged man in lime green robes smiling at me. It doesn't take me but a minute to find out I am in a wizarding hospital called St. Mungo's in London.

I don't see any difference between his exam and the one at the other hospital. It's the same pointless stuff: Squeeze here, push there, poke at this, watch that light, what do you remember of these three words, and do I remember the accident. The only change is the use of a wand and they are Healers, not doctors. At least this exam does not involve needles or machines.

The Healer finishes his exam and says, "I think we can have you sitting at home by Christmas Eve. I think another potion for your headache this morning will probably be all that you will need." He sets down the clipboard he is holding to pull up a chair. "So, how are you liking school?"

"Fine." I can only offer an awkward answer. I don't know what his motive is. "My best classes are Transfiguration and Charms. Professor McGonagall told me that I was top of my class before exams in Transfiguration."

"I had Professor McGonagall when I went to Hogwarts, too. Is she still changing into a cat the first day of classes?" he inquires with a cheery grin. "Does Flitwick still stand on a pile of books to lecture in class? I loved Charms class. I had to spend a lot of late nights studying for it. Sometimes, I spent too much time studying. Gave myself some serious headaches."

Mum speaks up at last as if I needed an 'English to English' translation. "I think what we are trying to tell you is that Madam Pomfrey and your teachers are worried that you are trying a little too hard."

I want to scream that I have to be twice as good as the other kids, because I am Muggle-born. I don't think either one would be able to get it. The teachers at the school didn't.

"What I am going to do is prescribe several potions to prevent the headaches. I will also look at adding something for anxiety. Now, I feel another factor we need to discuss is that your body is changing, young lady. You're at that age when you start to go through puberty, and that can make your headaches worse." He is giving my mum an odd look as if he might have delved into some very personal territory. "You understand what I am talking about, don't you?"

My cheeks are burning hot as I remember the 'talk' my parents had with me before I left for school. 'Where-Babies-Come-From' and sex have never been a mystery for me. I grew up around horses and dogs since I was three. It is just weird sitting here discussing my private bits with some stranger in lime green robes.

"I know about how I am going to get my period and other stuff." This is all I can manage to spit out without dying of embarrassment. "It's going to make them worse?"

"Hormones can make migraines worse, but we'll try our best to prevent them." He stands up to pick up his clipboard. "Well, I will leave you ladies. My Trainee Healer will be in here with something for pain, but it will probably make Eleanor very sleepy. She can go home in the morning if everything checks out. Happy Christmas," he says and shuts the door.

"Do you hear that, darling? Home for Christmas it is. Your father will be so excited to hear. He had to be in court this morning. I can't wait to surprise him." Mum's bubbly attitude is not real. She is faking it for me. "Your teachers sent me your marks."

I don't even remember taking them; I was probably rubbish. Do I really want to hear this?

She pulls on her glasses awkwardly to look at a piece of parchment from an envelope. "I have your Transfiguration grade first. By the way, Professor McGonagall came by before you woke up to deliver this herself and to see how you were doing."

"She's my head of house. Her class is my favorite."

"Yes, well you had a ninety-eight percent on the exam and a ninety-six percent in the course." She smiles with genuine pride. "Charms: ninety-five percent on the exam and a ninety-four percent in the course. You made one hundred three percent on the Potions exam and a ninety in the course."

Did I just hear her right? I must be delirious from being hit on the head.

She goes on to discuss several other classes that I managed to do very well in, but I am stunned by my Potions grade. How could I have done that? I don't even remember taking the test!

"Are you going to relax a little more next term? I am proud of your grades, but you are hurting yourself," she chides, grabbing my chin to look her in the face. "Your father and I love you so much."

She starts to say something else, but another Healer walks in with a glass of steaming liquid with the expectation that I drink it. Months of dealing with Madam Pomfrey have taught me not to refuse. Mum looks on in amazement as I down in without a single protest. She couldn't even get me to take grape-flavored cough remedy when I was younger.

As I am being pulled towards oblivion, I can hear my mother begin to argue with someone and my name mentioned.

* * *

25 December, 1973

_Dear Diary,_

_I'm so happy that we are staying home and not flying to Auntie's for Christmas this year. I don't think I could handle dealing with her right now. With all the stuff going on at school, I don't need her butting in on my life. Every time we go over there, she always has some new idea on how to improve my attitude. I'm not good enough for her._

_I keep having some really weird nightmares about school. In one dream, I have come back to class and been told that there was a mistake made. I am not a witch and sent home to live with Auntie, because my parents refuse to take me back. In another, I see Regulus dropping something into my cauldron during Potions, and it blows up the entire classroom. _

_I still don't remember anything about what happened before the holiday. The Healer told me it might be from shock. I wonder what shame I will face when I go to class again. I bet Professor Slughorn will never let me near a cauldron again. Do I really want to go back to school?_

_Mum and Dad gave me some great presents this year, but many of them I can't take with me. The new record player and records will have to stay home. Anything electric will not work there. Mum made sure I had plenty of warm pajamas for my drafty dorm room._

_Abbey and Constance sent presents to me. Abbey sent me some chocolate frogs and Constance gave me Berty Bott's Every Flavor Beans. I have learned to be very careful when biting into them. I once got one that tasted like a rotten cabbage. I have sent them both some Muggle sweets, because Abbey said she wanted to try some. _

_I feel like I have a split personality: One for home and one for school. I want to know which one works the best. I can't use magic at home, but I can't use anything from the Muggle world at school. Sometime I feel so lost._

_I am trying to pluck up the courage to ask Mum if I can start taking riding lessons during school holidays again. I miss riding. It wasn't my idea to stop with the lessons; it was Mum's. Dad didn't agree with her that I should quit riding. I overheard them arguing about it the other night. _

_Mum and Dad never argue, but there have been several that they didn't think I could hear. They must have thought I was asleep. I could hear her telling Dad that maybe I shouldn't go back to school, but Dad felt she needed to stop hovering over me so much. I don't want to cause my family to break up. _

_Mum's calling for Christmas dinner,_

_Nell. _


	5. Turnips, Teacups, Teardrops

**_Dear Readers,_**

**_I have not abandoned you, I promise! Life has a funny way of getting in the way of things. My job has been eating up all of my time, and my __other shoulder gave out. I am sending this out now fully betaed to you. I found this section on my hard drive and feel I owe you to get it out. There may be a small addition, but that will be tacked onto the next chapter. Eleanor is about to find out how bitter and nasty life can be with the future Death Eaters at Hogwarts, and how little attention was being paid to it. _**

_**Belle**_

_7 January, 1974_

_Dear Diary,_

_I have been sitting here in the dark since four in the morning. I am leaving for school on the train today, and I can't decide if I really want to go back or not. I don't belong in my old Muggle school, but I don't think I can face going back to Hogwarts again. How did I forget to turn off that flame in Potions? I'm just not that stupid. I wanted to die when I finally found out what happened during my Potions final. I am so ashamed._

The least I can say is that Mum let me know that I finished and passed all my exams. The only thing is, I'm going to be under Madam Pomfrey's constant watch more than ever when I get back. It's bad enough I had to go back to that hospital for a check-up last week before school. I felt a little better that Dad went with me this time. Mum likes to argue with the Healers too much.

_Abbey wrote me yesterday. She didn't mention anything about school. She told me about her holiday in France with her relatives. She told me that next year, she wanted to see if we could spend some of the holiday together. I think that would be fun. I wonder why she didn't mention me staying with her parents?_

_I am going to finish some last minute packing._

Nell

* * *

I have managed to escape the iron grip of my parents' embrace and make my way onto the train. I see Abbey peer out of compartment and call my name. It feels awkward to see her again. What are we going to talk about? I don't want to discuss the accident before Christmas. I can't remember it anyway.

I enter the compartment to see that Constance is there as well. Abbey decides to break the ice as I sit down.

"Thanks for the sweets, I absolutely loved them." She is grinning from ear to ear. It is the forced smile she gets when she wants to cheer someone up. "The weather was horrible in France. I spent most of my time doing homework."

"Thanks for the cards," I tell my friends. "They really cheered me up. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere actually." I don't mean to sound so bitter, but it shoots out of my mouth before I can think about it.

"I wanted to come see you," Constance says apologetically. "St. Mungo's won't let someone our age into the Children's Ward as a visitor."

"Everyone's going to hate me now, aren't they? I'm a laughing stock." I can feel tears prickle the corners of my eyes. "How could I be so stupid?"

"Nell, it was an accident." Abbey puts her arm around me as she explains that I have little to fear from my friends. "It's not like you did it on purpose. Even Professor Slughorn said those stupid burners have been known to relight themselves sometimes." She gives me a squeeze, looks me in the eye, and reminds me: "Your friends will never leave you. Together forever, remember?"

"You know Regulus is going to never let me live this down," I remind them. "He and his mates are going to make my life a living hell." I break into another wave of tears.

"Are you worried about that idiotic git?" Constance inquires angrily. "Didn't we tell you that we will stick together? Stop being so thick."

I relax a bit for the rest of the ride to school, but as we pull into Hogsmeade, I have mixed feelings as to my ability to go on for the rest of the year.

* * *

The first few days of school have been rough. Regulus and his mates have been making class just about unbearable. It seems that he has mastered a Leg-Locker curse that had me flat on my face during Potions the other day. I decided not to tell on him, because I remember his cousin Bellatrix's warning before the holiday.

I used to like having Transfiguration at the end of the day. It used to leave me in a good mood to start the evening. It's by far my best subject. I like to try new spells when we are assigned them, and I have never been afraid to try them in front of the class. But since we have returned from the holiday break, I've been doing everything I can to keep my head down. What if I do mess up something, blow up the classroom, or turn someone into a toad? I can't live with that.

Professor McGonagall has set up a fairly easy assignment to change a turnip into a teacup. She asks for volunteers to try it, but I don't raise my hand. She finally picks Constance. I think it's because she is reading a copy of _Witch Weekly_ under her desk.

As we begin to work on our assignment individually, I discover that I am having trouble with getting started. Abbey and Constance keep asking me what the problem is. Before I can tell them off, our teacher wanders by to check on our progress. She notices I haven't done anything.

"Is there a problem, Miss Howard?" she inquires. "You seem a bit more interested in your social life than your assignment." She gives Abbey and Constance a pointed look, and they drop their heads immediately, pretending to begin their work.

I can feel my cheeks heat up instantly, and I want to hide. "No, Professor. I am just having some problems with the incantation." It is a half-truth. I can feel the weight of disappointment bearing down upon me. I didn't notice it before, but the tip of my wand is very unsteady right now. I make an attempt to transfigure the unyielding vegetable before me, but it ends up looking like a cup sprouting roots and shoots.

She gives me a few helpful hints, walking away with an odd expression I have never seen in a teacher before. I can't tell if she is ready to shout that I am an idiot or help me figure out the right answer.

By the end of class, my turnip is finally a teacup. It is not my best work, but it is a passing grade. I am afraid to hand it in. If it were either Abbey or Constance, Professor McGonagall would be thrilled if their cups even came close to looking like the one I have in my hand right now.

"Miss Howard, if you would remain behind, I would like a word." Our teacher says these words quietly, but I feel like the entire class can hear them.

I hear a snigger behind me. It's Regulus standing next in the queue, thoroughly enjoying the discomfort I am feeling. As I push past him to walk away, he sticks out his leg, making me stumble. I try everything not to react, but I can feel hot tears of shame in the corners of my eyes.

As all the other students rush out the door, excited to finish their last class, I wonder what Professor McGonagall wants to talk about. Is it about my sloppy wandwork or my exams before the holiday? I just hope that neither problem will get me kicked out of school.

Professor McGonagall directs me to take a seat at the front desk, but she does not sit at her own desk at the front. Instead, she takes a place next to mine. I have never seen a teacher do this before. Usually, they just stay at their own desk to hand down their sentence on your offence and send you on your way.

"Miss Howard, I am a little concerned about your behavior over the past several days. Is there something you wish to talk about?" she asks gently.

"I don't understand what you are talking about, Professor," I comment automatically. I just want to get out of here. I should have made something up to fish for an answer.

"You have not been participating like you normally do. This afternoon was the third time this week you have not been able to work through a difficult spell. I think you are a bit concerned about what happened before school let out in December." She reaches forward to put her hand on my arm to reassure me. Normally, I wouldn't allow someone to do this, but something makes me trust her. "Accidents and mishaps are all a part of being a student in this school. No one can learn without making mistakes." She has an odd glint to her eye as she recounts: "When I was a first year, I was in a Potions class. The assignment was to brew a simple Calming Draught."

"What could go wrong with that?" I inquire without really thinking about it. Calming Draughts were almost what Professor Slughorn called 'idiot-proof'. I catch myself smiling at the thought that anyone could get this wrong. How could one of her potions have ever gone wrong?

"Well, I added too much wormwood, and a huge cloud of fumes engulfed the entire classroom. It knocked the entire class out for several hours." She seems to blush a bit at the memory, and I give a quick giggle without realizing it. "Mistakes do happen, but you do need to move on. You are too talented to brood on what happened during exams. Whatever happened, it was not your fault."

Her words seem to provide some comfort, but she doesn't have to live with Regulus Black and his mates breathing down her neck all day long.

"I promise I will do better." I start to stand but pause to look at her. "Did you get into trouble for what happened in Potions?" I ask.

"We don't punish students for making honest mistakes when doing their studies; however, we do not tolerate mischief in the classroom," she says pointedly. "I hope you will come to speak to someone when there is something bothering you. My door is always open, and I am your Head of House. Now, run along to dinner."

"Thanks, Professor." I am not sure how to handle this. No adult has ever taken any interest in me other than my parents. Teachers at my last school either ignored me or got angry when I caused trouble. I think I will keep this whole conversation to myself.

* * *

It's Friday, and there is a big Quidditch match between Slytherin and Gryffindor tomorrow. Tensions are running high between both houses, because we are tied for house points.

During breakfast, I can hear Regulus cackling away with his mates, taking pot shots at my house. He is loudly jeering about the 'Mudbloods overrunning the houses'. Further down the table, I hear Bellatrix shout back to him that the school has one less Mudblood today.

Abbey, Constance and I share glances of astonishment, hoping this is just one more pre-game dig. The Blacks have a reputation for blowing hot air, but I don't see this as a joke. I have decided not make this an issue, however.

As we are queuing up for class, Regulus passes by me, stops, and gives me a nasty stare. It makes the hair on my neck stand up.

"They sent Emily Waters to St. Mungo's this morning. Stupid Mudblood totally lost her mind. From what I hear, she went mental and tried to swan dive off the Astronomy Tower last night," he jeers. His friends snigger loudly. "Didn't you spend the holidays at St. Mungo's too?

"Shut it!" I yell.

"Why don't you go back, you could be room mates?" He laughs uncontrollably at his own joke. A crowd is beginning to gather.

"Shut it!" I charge forward to defend myself. "I am not the one who is mental. You are the thick-headed tosser who thinks he decides who goes to the school. Make some use of your wand and shove it up your arse!"

"If my uncle has his way, the school will stop letting Mudbloods like you in here." Regulus is beside himself. He has his wand drawn and ready to duel.

I have my wand out to throw the nastiest curse I can think of, but someone puts a hand on my arm. When I turn to knock the hand away, it is Remus. He is standing with a group of boys watching our argument with intense interest.

"Is your little brother talking about your Uncle Cygnus, Sirius?" One of the boys asks with a mocking smile on his face. "Didn't he have to stay in the Spell Damage Ward last year when your cousin accidentally cursed him into thinking he was a chicken?"

I thought Sirius would be mortified, but he continued to laugh with his friends. "Yeah, he sometimes still crows at dawn. No one in the family will stay over night at his house. They can't get any sleep."

Regulus turns his attention from me to his brother. There is a look of seething hatred in his eyes. "I'm writing Mum about this," he snarls.

"Like I care," Sirius says dismissively, motioning to his friends to move on.

Regulus storms off towards his brother, but Remus remains behind.

"It is all over school that Emily was cursed into nearly jumping off that tower. They say she went mad when it broke, and she realized what she was going to do. Be careful, Nell." He walks away without another word.


	6. An Unhappy Birthday

_27 March, 1974_

_Dear Diary,_

_It's getting worse for us Muggle-Borns here at school. Strange things keep happening to us. A girl named Mavis from Ravenclaw disappeared for a couple of days. She was found on the outskirts of Hogsmeade not knowing where she had been. It's the middle of winter, and she was dressed only in her school robes. The school hushed it up, but we know better. I think it was someone here at school, but what do I know._

_There is a group of Muggle-Borns who have decided to meet quietly in one of the Transfiguration classrooms. I have been to some of the meetings. I am the only first year there, and it feels a little weird. I don't know if I want to keep sneaking into one of those meetings, because Mavis disappeared on her way back one week ago._

_I am having problems in class again. I burned myself badly on my cauldron, because I let my mind wander. I don't remember doing it. I actually can't remember being burnt. Professor Slughorn had to pull my hand away from the boiling potion. He said he called my name over and over again, and I didn't respond. What's wrong with me? Did someone put some sort of curse on me? Should I go talk to someone? Maybe it's just inside my head. _

_Regulus is still being a pain in the arse, but I am not giving him a chance to get at me. I am following the rules of our little 'club'. Abbey normally walks me up to get my morning medication, but Alice, a Hufflepuff prefect in our little club, has taken to walking me up to my afternoon doses. Most of the attacks are taking place at night anyway. _

_Mum sent me a package for my birthday yesterday. Time seems to get away from me, and I forgot my birthday is on April 2__nd__. It included plenty of sweets for me to share with my dorm mates. Abbey has developed a taste for Muggle candy. Constance says they are planning something for my birthday, but I hate people making a fuss. It seems like my birthday parties turn out to be disasters in the making._

_I am spending some time in the hospital wing again. It seems I now have a bed on reserve. Madam Pomfrey has to put me in one of the isolation areas where it can be kept dark when I have a headache. It seems like they are getting worse and not better. After the incident in Potions, my head hurt worse than the burn on my arm. Everyone made a bit of a fuss that day. Both Slughorn and McGonagall came by to pay a visit. I am sure mum went mental when she received the owl. _

_I need to work on some homework,_

_Nell_

I wake up to the early spring sunshine in my dorm room and to the smiling faces of Abbey and Constance. I wonder why they are looking at me with such goofy grins. I suddenly realize it is my birthday.

"Happy birthday, Nell!" Abbey shouts, holding out a wrapped present. "Open mine first."

I eagerly tear open the package to discover it is a book called _Jinxes for the Jinxed. _It isa book full of quirky spells to get back at Regulus and his mates that are not taught here at school. I then open the present from Constance. It is a copy of _Hogwarts, a History. _I have been wearing the school's copy out reading it. I guess she thought it is time I had my own.

I really love my presents, and it is the first time in my life I have friends that are so close to me. This is probably the best birthday yet.

As we sit down to breakfast, I feel very tired suddenly. Abbey seems to notice that I'm not feeling well as I pick at my eggs without enthusiasm. I dismiss her and tell her I just didn't get enough sleep last night.

Since it is Tuesday, we have double History of Magic. Professor Binns' droning drives me up a wall even when I am not under the weather, but today I honestly feel like every word sounds like fingernails being scratched down the blackboard. I don't know what's wrong. I feel a migraine coming on, but it doesn't seem to materialize. My mind feels like it is a million miles away from my body.

I end up going through the motions of the rest of the day and make my trek up to Madam Pomfrey to take my medication at the end of the day. Alice keeps looking at me funny and asking what is wrong. Before I can say anything to Madam Pomfrey, Alice blurts out that I don't seem to be feeling well. I lie and say that I stayed up late studying. On the way to the common room, Alice tells me how I really don't look well at all, but I tune her out.

I find Abbey and Constance playing Exploding Snap in the common room, but I don't have the heart to join in. I just don't feel right.

"Nell?" Abbey inquires. It seems like her voice is coming from so far away. "What's wrong?"

I look around the room to realize it doesn't seem familiar any longer. The outlines of the walls are vibrating and the colors are too bright despite the dim firelight. I feel hot all of a sudden even though the fireplace is across the room. The air seems to be made of molten lead, and I struggle to breathe. I can feel hot tears rolling down my face as my pulse quickens.

"Nell?" someone inquires. "Are you okay?"

I feel a strong compulsion run from the room; however, my muscles suddenly jerk out of control, and I fall on the floor with a painful thud.

"Someone do something!" I hear a shout.

"I'm getting…" The voices drop into nothingness as the spasms in my body get worse.

The world seems to come back into some sort of focus as I hear voices around me. I'm very tired and can tell I am covered in bruises. My mouth has an odd copper taste to it. I attempt to move my tongue, but it feels like it is stuck to the roof of my mouth. Unbidden tears roll down my cheeks, and there is nothing I can do stop them.

"Nell, come on." I sense someone lifting up and half carrying me out of the room by someone. "Hey, wake up!" It sounds like a boy talking to me.

Everything is now a confusing tangle of noises and sensations as I am dragged further along somewhere. I wonder where I am going, because all I want to do is go to sleep.

Someone is holding me now, but I don't like it. My protests are met with some quiet, comforting words. It takes too much energy to fight any longer. I allow darkness to take me over.

There are muffled voices coming from far away. I think I hear my name mentioned several times, so I force my eyelids apart with a moan. My head is splitting with the worst migraine I have ever had in my life. The room is dimly lit, and it takes me a few moments to orient myself. I'm in my usual bed in the hospital wing. As I look across the room, I see that the door is cracked open slightly with several people talking in urgent, low tones.

I really want my mum more than ever, but I remember from her last letter that she has left for Canada to visit my aunt. The thought causes me to break out into tears again. I don't like to cry. But right now, I feel so lost, confused and miserable.

Someone must have heard me wake up, because I hear someone call my name. The voice belongs to Madam Pomfrey. She moves over to my bed and turns up the lamp; however, I cringe because it is making my headache worse.

"Nell, what's wrong?" she asks, pushing stray hairs off my forehead.

"My head hurts," I complain thickly. I make an attempt to sit up, but she puts a hand on my shoulder to prevent me from moving. "I think I'm going to be sick." She puts a basin on the bed, but my stomach manages to hold itself together.

"I don't want you up just yet." She measures some potion out of a bottle and hands it to me. "This should make you feel better."

"What happened?" I inquire tearfully. It hurts to think. My brain just doesn't seem to be working right at the moment. I can only remember being in the common room after dinner with Abbey and Constance.

Madam Pomfrey puts down the bottle, and sits on the bed. She peers into my eyes asking, "What do you remember?"

"I just didn't feel well all day, and when I got into the common room…" I have to stop for a moment to think, but my head hurts too much to put words to the images running through my head. "Then nothing." The tears fall in earnest as she pats my back in circles to comfort me. "Are you sending me back to that hospital?"

She reaches out to brush some more stray hairs off of my head and says, "No, not right now." She smiles as my eyelids become very heavy. "We will talk in the morning when you feel better."

I settle back as the lamp is extinguished. Sleep rolls over me like a tidal wave as Madam Pomfrey leaves the bedside; however, I don't hear the door close right away. There is an unfamiliar voice coming from the doorway.

"It was only a matter of time. With that sort of injury that was one of the expected outcomes. I think we can leave her here for the moment, but…" The voice cuts out as the door shuts, and my mind shuts down from exhaustion.

* * *

I have seen a steady flow of visitors this morning, but none of them are any of my friends. Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore came in this morning to check in on me. They didn't ask me about what happened. I thought they would be giving me the third degree like Madam Pomfrey did; however, they just asked about how I was feeling. Although, I have to meet with the Headmaster and Professor McGonagall when I leave the hospital wing. I don't know why. It's not like I blew up the Potions classroom again, right?

The same Healer that saw me over Christmas holidays at St. Mungo's has been here to look me over. I asked why I am in the hospital wing and not there, but the only answer I get is that I am better off here in a familiar environment.

Many of the same tests I was given over the holiday are performed again, but this time I pay more attention to the adults around me. After the Healer does a particular test, his face looks rather grim as he writes down the results and shows them to Madam Pomfrey. I ask if everything is all right, but the Healer gives me a forced smile, telling me it's nothing to worry about.

I thought we were done after all the poking and prodding, but I'm wrong. Next comes a barrage of questions. What did I eat? How well did I sleep? Did I take any potions during class or from another student? How bad was my headache that day? How much did I remember before passing out? It goes on and on for about an hour. Again, I ask why this matters, and no one will tell me anything. As both adults leave the room, I break down into tears.

I have my back resting against the wrought iron headboard, sobbing uncontrollably. I don't understand what is wrong with me, and why no one will talk to me about it. Why did Mum and Dad have to go to Canada before Easter?

Madam Pomfrey must have heard me, because she comes into my cubicle looking very concerned. "Nell?" She sits down on the edge of the bed and pulls my chin up so that she can look into my eyes. "What's wrong?"

"I'm scared, and I want to go home." I start sobbing again, and she pulls me into a hug, rubbing my back in comforting circles.

Without breaking our embrace she says, "You're going to be fine. Your parents are going to be here tomorrow, and we will discuss what we can do to make you feel better." She pulls away to retrieve a handkerchief and offers it to me. "Nell, I think we have found the reason why your head hurts you so much. The problems you have been having can be controlled with some specialized potions. So, I want you to stop worrying about it."

My sobs have dried up slowly as we sit for a few minutes in silence. Unfortunately, my little outburst has given me another migraine. Madam Pomfrey notices that I am rubbing my right temple very hard, and she excuses herself for a moment. I am left alone with my thoughts burning through my brain.

"_Why is everyone dancing around the way I blacked out on Tuesday night? I keep asking about it, and all I hear is about my ruddy headaches."_

Madam Pomfrey walks in with my dinner and several potions. They are both thick and bitter but I manage to choke them down. I'm surprised they don't spoil my appetite; however, I notice halfway though my beef stew, I am ready to nod off.

My hand is still wrapped around my spoon as my eyes droop shut, and someone enters the room. I hear the clink of china hit the bowl; feel the warmth of my covers being moved, and a familiar voice from outside the door.

"We will be meeting with her parents and the headmaster around eleven tomorrow, Poppy." Even my fuzzy brain can recognize Professor McGonagall's voice. "All of her teachers will be there to discuss the situation and the arrangements that need to be made."

"Poor child," I hear Madam Pomfrey whisper. "But, children are resilient. She needs her rest." The door shuts softly as their footfalls retreat.

I don't have time to process what they have said, because I am too sleepy to care.

* * *

"Nell…" I feel someone stroke my forehead, and my eyes pop open. It's Mum smiling down at me with Dad standing behind her. "How are you feeling?"

I don't answer her right away, but I reach forward into a tight embrace. "I missed you." The words come out as a whisper. Mum is holding me so tight, she is almost crushing me.

Madam Pomfrey walks in with my breakfast and morning medication, looking pleased with our reunion. "You had better eat everything on that plate, young lady," she says, watching me down the last goblet of potion.

Mum gives her a bemused look as she inquires, "I don't know how you got that down her. I couldn't get her to take grape-flavored cough remedy as a little child."

Both women exchange smiles, and Dad clears his throat to catch my attention.

"How has school been going, love?" he inquires. "Your marks have been rather high lately."

They seem to be avoiding the entire reason why they are here. I wonder if I should bring it up at all. "Class has been fine."

Mum switches the topic away from school quickly. "Your cousins in Toronto send their love."

"I know Auntie doesn't," I grumble without thinking.

"Eleanor, that is rude," my mother chides. "Your aunt cares a great deal for you. Was rather worried when we had to come here to…" She stops short, softening the look on her face.

"Hello, I'm Jacob Stowe from St. Mungo's." The Healer that has been examining me pops his head through the partially open door. "I believe we met over the Christmas holiday," he says, shaking my father's hand heartily. Mum looks fit to burst. "How are you feeling today, Eleanor?"

"Fine," I say flatly. He pats me on the top of the head and smiles benignly.

"If I could speak to you for a few minutes while Eleanor finishes her breakfast, I would appreciate it," the Healer says, ushering my parents towards the door.

Mum gives me a quick peck on the cheek as she leaves and promises she will return in a few minutes. I am left with my stomach churning with all sorts of horrible thoughts.

It seems like forever since my parents have left. The silence in the hospital wing is oppressive, and I feel restless. I have decided to finish some homework that is due at the end of the holidays. I don't want to fall any further behind my classmates.

"Nell." My head snaps upward as hear my name is being called from the door. It's my parents, but they are not alone. Madam Pomfrey, Professor Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall, and the Healer who always has that sappy grin on his face.

My heart is in my throat as the room fills up with adults. Professor Dumbledore draws up chairs for everyone, but Mum insists on sitting on the side of the bed with me. She is holding my hand as if I were going to slip away from her somehow. I notice that it looks like both my parents have been crying. The last time I saw Dad cry was when my Gran Howard died last year.

"Nell, darling, we need to have a chat about what happened on your birthday." Mum is now stroking my hair as she tries to comfort me. "Now, it's nothing you've done wrong, but I need you to listen to what we have to tell you."

"Mum?" I inquire in near panic. "What's wrong?" A lump has developed in my throat as my heart hammers hard in my chest. The room seems to be closing in on me.

My mother reaches out to hold me in her arms as she explains, "You need to understand you are going to be fine, but we found out why you have had so many accidents and headaches."

Dad walks over to the other side of the bed to stroke the back of my head. My father who always seems so strong in the face of anything looks as if he wants to burst into tears.

Mum takes a deep, shaky breath and pulls my chin over to her face so I can look her in the eye. "Nell, your brain is constantly sending out little messages all over your body. Sometimes it sends out too many for it to handle, and for a few minutes, it gets out of control. It's called an epileptic seizure."

There was a girl in our primary school who once had a seizure at school. She never came back to class after that day. Her parents had to transfer her to a special school. I can't believe this could be happening to me.

"Am I going to have to leave school?" I inquire tearfully.

"I see no reason for you to discontinue your studies," says Professor Dumbledore. "There are some accommodations we can make for your condition."

"You are going to have to take some special potions, but they should also help your headaches. I need you to promise me that if you feel unwell for any reason, you will see Madam Pomfrey," Mum says.

"There are some new rules in place to assist you should you have another seizure," Professor McGonagall explains. "If you feel unwell, you are to ask your teachers if you may step out of the room for a moment. You will then go to the hospital wing to see Madam Pomfrey until you feel better. We feel it is best that you have one of your friends walk you to the hospital wing. I believe Miss Bones will not mind."

"What if I have one in class?" I inquire. My voice barely comes out as a whisper. Tears of shame are falling down my cheeks. I want to crawl into a hole and stay there.

Professor McGonagall continues with: "Your teachers will remove the other students from the room, and Madam Pomfrey will be summoned."

"As I was explaining earlier to your parents and teachers, we have had a great deal of success with the potion you are being prescribed. You will be able to live a normal life." The Healer walks over to the bed and kneels down to my eye level. "You will not be allowed to test potions in class on yourself. Professor Slughorn understands why we need to do this. You need to understand that eventually you will learn when you are about to have a seizure. Some people get an odd smell; they will hear things, feel odd sensations, or make strange movements. It becomes like an early warning system for you. If you can learn this, we can stop one from happening. I'm afraid to say you may need to stay in the hospital wing for while after you do have one. We need to observe you very carefully. Have you noticed how tired you are?" He inquires.

I nod my head stupidly as he continues his speech.

"It takes time for your body to return to normal. You are likely to be very tired and sore for a day or so after one. Nell, it's going to take a little experimenting to get your potion dose correct. I need you to be patient with this process, okay," he explains gently.

He turns to address my teachers and Madam Pomfrey, "As I discussed earlier, her potion may cause her to be rather drowsy at times until she gets used to it. It can also cause her to be a bit nauseated right after taking it. Unfortunately, I am going to have to start her out on taking it three times a day."

My whole world is crashing in on me, but they are telling me it is going to be all right. "Why is this happening?" I ask tearfully.

"The brain is a funny thing. Sometimes epilepsy can be caused by an injury, or there is no reason." Madam Pomfrey speaks up. "Just remember, if you want to talk, I will be happy to answer any questions."

I have so many questions stirring in my brain, but I'm too upset to voice them. I know that I'm not going to leave school, but I have had this bomb dropped on me. Mum wipes the tears off of my face; however, I can't find any comfort in her embrace. I wonder how long my parents knew there was something wrong with me. Is this why she went mental last year after my riding accident?

The Healer stands up to move away from the bed. I notice through my tears that he is whispering to Madam Pomfrey. I'm tired of secrets. I want to know what's going on. It's making me angry.

"Nell, you need to relax, darling. Everything is going to be all right. Your father and I are here for you," my mother whispers into my ear, trying to comfort me. "You can still be here at school with your friends and have a normal life like everyone else."

"But I'm not like everyone else," I whisper tearfully.

A glass of amber-colored liquid appears in front of my face. "Nell, this is your noon medication. I'm afraid this first dose is a bit strong. It might make you a bit sleepy."

I drink it, because I know Madam Pomfrey will find a way to get it down me. It is cool and sweet. Suddenly, a sense of calm and peace rolls over my body. I don't feel anxious any longer.

"I shall see you in class on Monday, Miss Howard," Professor McGonagall says, walking out of the room with Professor Dumbledore.

A second tidal wave of sensations hits my body. My eyes want to close on their own accord, and I lack the conviction to keep them open. I have so much I want to say, but the little consciousness I cling to is ebbing away.

"I think she took it better than I expected," Mum says from far away. I can still feel her holding me. "She's always been the brave one"

"I think you both should get some rest. You had a long journey to get here. She is still very tired from her seizure. This combined with her dose of potion will probably keep her asleep for most of the day." Those are the last words I hear as the world drops away, a world that has been changed forever.


End file.
